5 Stages of Loss

Shock/Denial

We took the Baron out to the fields again today with another seeled starling. This time he was 4g lower than the last bird and we figured he'd be on it right away. We released the starling and it flew upward and circled and the Baron did nothing. The starling headed away from us down the hill and my sponsor suggested I toss my bird into the air to get him going. That did it. He took off after the starling but that darned bird was going faster than we thought and the Baron didn't overtake him til he was about 1/2 mile from us and directly over a huge maze of scrub oak. I thought, OK, we can deal with this. (Really?) We drove around to the spot we saw them headed toward and walked through the brush, hoping the magpies would show his location with their scavenging attitude. We ended up following a couple of magpies around from tree to tree and got nowhere on finding the Baron. We finally gave that up and drove around the area to see if he didn't catch the starling and just got up on a wire or tree somewhere. No luck. I still wasn't too upset. We called it quits and I planned to go back and look around the area on the poles and such to see if I could see him after he was done eating, assuming he caught the starling.

Pain/Guilt

Now it's starting to hit me that he's not coming back and while I can go look for him over the next couple of days, I'm not hopeful of finding him. My wife took my son out with her and looked around while I showered and ate some lunch. They saw a kestrel but didn't think it had jesses on. She came back and got me and we drove around. I saw a kestrel but the sun was in my eyes and I had to step out of the road for a car coming by and when I looked back up it had disappeared. I had my wife drop me off in the field where it all started and I walked back through swinging the lure and looking around. I saw another kestrel a ways off but it disappeared before I got close enough to get binoculars on it. I'll give it another try in a couple hours and see if I can find him.

Anger/Bargaining

While looking for my bird, my sponsor was saying we shouldn't have even flown the bird without telemetry. I'm sure he wasn't chastising me more than he was himself as this is the first time he even brought it up and many people (most I've heard of) don't use telemetry with a kestrel. Of course, they're car hawking at close range, not doing long flights like we were. So now I'm giving myself the kick in the pants for being too cheap to spend the $700 on a telemetry system. (Said with sarcasm; I know it was just a bad setup and I know now I shouldn't have thrown him so late.)

Depression

Having to go back to work tomorrow and not be able to hunt for my bird is going to kill me. Our second car is in the shop right now and my daughter is coming home to take me into work so I can't even take the morning to look for him and go in late because she has to be to work by 8:00. I really don't want to hear the I'm sorrys from co-workers either. Ugh.

Acceptance

Maybe in a week or so...